Talk:Birth of the Ice Queen/@comment-3155630-20101102124745

Hazel feather, look what I could turn your story into. The word in are random colors or sizes. Don't try to make yours so much like mine, though. You needed to add description, use harder words, check for spelling errors, and try to make it a little longer.

Crystalpool lay panting heavily because she was about to give birth with her mate, Thistlefur at the Moon Stream. Her (blue) eyes rolled in pain, and she let out a screech of terror. Thistlefur tried to comfort her, but it was no use. His (amber) eyes were foreboding.

"Help Brownfeather, help!" yowled Eaglepaw, his (smoky grey) pelt bristling in horror. He had heard Crystalpool yowl in pain. The brownish-gray medicine cat awoke to see him there. "What is it?" she muttered, half asleep half awake. Her (brown) belly rose up with gentle puffs of air.

"Crystalpool is about to give birth at the Moon Stream!" snapped Eaglepaw. His blue eyes flashed. Brownfeather leaped up, grabbed some raspberry leaves and raced to the Moon Stream with Eaglepaw by her side. Cystalpool was already kitting. A spasm rolled down her body, and a (black) tom plopped into the pebbles. Thistlefur began to lick it's fur feverishly. Brownfeather encouraged Crystalpool to eat the leaves, whispering gentle words in her ears. "Here eat this, and your doing great," Brownfeather said softly. Crystalpool groaned, and kit fell out. He was a (huge) (black-and-white) tom. A long-legged light brown tabby was next. Finally, as Crystalpool shrieked, a (tiny pale ginger) she-cat hit the pebbles. Crystalpool purred. The pain was gone. "What will you name them?" asked Brownfeather, titling her grey-brown head. Thistlefur looked at his mate. "The first one, Shadowkit. The second, Tornkit, I think." said Thistlefur. "Jumpkit for the third one, and Sandkit for the fourth one." added Crystalpool. The tom and she-cat stood up, and Thistleur carried Shadowkit, Brownfeather carried Tornkit, Eaglepaw carried Sandkit, and Crystalpool carried Jumpkit, staggering slightly under his weight. They loped through the leaf-green forest and finally made it to camp. Moons passed, and the kits grew to be lovely creatures. Finally, it was time for them to be apprenticed. Shadowkit, Tornkit, and Jumpkit walked up in the front row to the Highrock to be apprenticed. The kits looked proud and ready. Their eyes gleamed.

Then a loud shriek came out from inside the nursey. It was Crystalpool who gave the yowl.