Talk:The Warrior Princess/@comment-3155630-20101102165935

Hmm, Hollystar. This is very good. But try:

(1) Cats don't yell. Try yowl, shriek, and snorted

(2) Try adding the cat's description in stories. Example:"Darkkit! Don't jump on the other kits!" Morningrain, Darkkit's foster mother, yowled. Weariness clouded the queen's (blue) gaze

(3) Running is OK, but try pelted, dashed, trotted, and galloped

(4) Clan cats prefer to say "kits" instead of "kittens".

(5) Add description to the cat's surrounding: She was standing in a soft white powder over the earth! A freezing snow white flake hit her nose and she sneezed."It's snow!"

(6) Don't try to rush through the story. You kind of went fast. Try this: The white ferns rustled and a cat emerged from the shadows. A cat answered her question. "I'm Lionpaw. And you must be Streampool's kits!" the apprentice said, flicking his (long golden striped tail)

(7) Check to see if the sentences make sense. This one does not: "What's this?" Darkkit said suprised. Try this: "What's this?" Darkkit wondered, suprised.