Talk:Cleverheart's Tale Part 2/@comment-24024274-20101207173150

Well, you asked me to take a look at your story, and here I am! I'm not going to change your story, however. As I feel that should be your job, and not mine.

My first suggestion would be..is there a way that it could be a little less crowded, instead of one giant paragraph? Look at my story for an example of how to do it. Usually, it would be best to try it after someone speaks. Another example would be how I have your story, below.

"He was eager to please his role model and over the course of the apprenticeship he and Shadepelt had grown to be friends. “Let all cats old enough to catch their own prey gather here in the clearing!” Ebonystar’s gruff voice shook Cleverpaw from his thoughts. “There shall be a naming ceremony today,” Ebonystar’s voice sounded again once everyone was gathered in the clearing.

Moonpelt’s kits must be old enough to become apprentices. Cleverpaw thought to himself. Yeah that’s probably it, Grasskit and Speedykit are probably about 6 moons old now.

“Cleverpaw we are waiting for you.” Ebonystar said in a forced calm tone that Cleverpaw could tell meant that he was growing impatient. “Yes, Ebonystar, sir” Cleverpaw said as he rushed to stand by Spurpaw at the front of the crowd of cats. "